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I now regret well, you probably do too, we have all experienced times when we wish we could erase the sins and failures impressed in our minds, by are inherent bad choices. Often, we find ourselves in difficult situations that escalate and spiral out of our control. No more so than when we think we are in control.

Years after the Apostle Paul became a child of God, he still regretted that he had persecuted Christians. (1 Tim. 1:12-15). He couldn’t undo the past, and he didn’t try. Instead he devoted himself to do God’s will and the Lord used him in a mighty way. Paul reminds me that past mistakes need not ruin our lives – even when we can’t do anything to undo them. 

I realize that I can’t forget my past completely. The philosopher George Santayana wrote: “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it”. My journey back to faith has been a dangerous one. As with all long journeys, the scenery has at times been less than pretty. For some of us, a glance back over the last several years is not pleasant. We have done and said some things we regret. We might feel guilt and remorse about some choices we’ve made. Often we try to sweep our mistakes under the rug rather than deal with them directly and realistically. 

However, God doesn’t let us get away with that. He knows that if we fail to deal properly with our sin, it will continue to have negative consequences throughout the remainder of our lives.  God wants us to take individual ownership of our failures and pay personal attention to the details of repentance. 

He wants me to dig deeper, and look harder, and stop pretending the healing is complete. Perhaps He longs for each of us to pause on the trails of our past, and listen for the messages hidden in our history. It’s how we unlock the mystery of our memories—taking a hard, long look at our lives, staring our wounds right in the eye, without blinking, until we find ourselves face to face with Him. We resist, of course, for as long as we’re willing to put up with the lingering pain. But eventually the Truth will just literally beat us down, if we’re willing. And we can’t keep our backs turned on God forever

I’m not really sure how I became lost in the first place. And I’m even more confused about how I found my way out of the storm and ended up back where I started, at the foot of His cross, alive and breathing again. But somehow, somewhere along the way, the person I had always assumed myself to be was lost, left somewhere along the way, and I discovered inside my skin a stranger, bloodied and confused. From that moment on, I have had to re-learn my life—and perhaps even some purpose for it—one awkward day at a time. It’s not easy, accepting something as precious as Grace. 

For a while I tried to go my own way . But I never dreamed I could travel so far away from God’s love, Grace and mercy. 

There were inherent consequences to the path that I chose for myself. The path I chose for myself over the last few years, prior to turning back to Christ stripped me of any vision for a future, much less any thought of standing in front of others one day, explaining how my life has changed. I was separated from the will of God. I became a liar, a manipulator, a sneak and just untrustworthy. I could talk the talk, but my walk was crippled. I had broken my own legs. I began to allow myself to believe that it was okay to live this life. I was full of shame before my family, friends, and others. I was humiliated. I lost my wife. I lost respect, honor, and trust from many people.

 To put it simply, I lied and God came in right behind me and shed His light on my deceit. I was trapped in a world that I created for myself. I drowned the voice, power, and authority of God out of my life. No voice, no direction.

I knew it was killing me from the start, but it took a while for others to see it and even longer for me to admit it. It cost me everything, like my family and friends. It almost cost me my life. My dreams disappeared somewhere in the abyss. 

Today, I’m thankful for the only thing God left me with, my life. He also left me with the only thing that could change me, me.

Today I am a chaplain, Biblical Counselor and speak at recovery centers and Prisons. I am currently in the process of being certified as an Addiction Specialist, and have a book in progress. God is good.

My full Testimony can be found on my ministry site at http://shadowsofthecross.weebly.com/testimony.html

If you would like to know more about my ministry then please come by for a visit http://shadowsofthecross.weebly.com/index.html